Don’t get me wrong, couples should be able to hold hands in the street and even a little kiss on the cheek is fine.
That’s not what we’re talking about though. I’m talking about couples that “snog”. Couples that just won’t leave each other alone. It’s constant. To the point where it becomes almost fascinating. No one chooses to watch the ‘Passover’ of saliva; with that morning’s toast exchanging at a rate more erratic than sterling on Wall Street. You try and turn your head but you can’t stop looking, you’ve become involved, engrossed with the voyeuristic notion. There’s a feeling of surprise that they haven’t stripped naked and started furiously fornicating in front of you.
It’s not just the grotesque physical presence that this behaviour entails that sickens me. It’s the way it can make people feel, it can turn one instantly into an overly zealous singleton, not admitting to their loneliness, “I’m glad I’m single, I can do whatever I want. I don’t need to report to anyone. SEX EVERYWHERE”. Or, it can make you reminisce back to times that aren’t worth your effort, “I miss Bob, maybe I should call him?” No. Never call Bob. The couple have fooled you into self-destruction. Then finally, the mindset is reached where yet to be bought cats are pre-emptively named.
It’s particularly awkward when the couple are your supposed ‘friends’. You’re trying to have a conversation, only to realise that the person you are conversing with has a cling-on dangling off their ear like a hyperactive puppy, with you mid sentence. Then you are presented with options, do I continue talking and hope they get the picture and desist? Or am I interrupting? Should I stop talking, as they are clearly more interested in public displays of foreplay?
All this would be somehow bearable if it were really attractive couples that did this. But it’s not the beautiful people that indulge in such things. It’s always big Sue and Paul. You’re never really quite sure if he’s ever brushed his teeth, let alone whether he bothered to this morning. Not that these people aren’t allowed to kiss, I just can’t help myself from wondering if she’s going to get a taste for him and actually consume him, why masturbate when you can masticate? It’s an experience of synaesthesia, not only can you see the couple slavering all over each other’s visage, you can hear and sometimes smell it too. Coffee breath alone would be a Godsend.
One starts to build their lives for them. Sue gets pregnant and moves into her council house whilst Paul takes to hard drugs and, 6 facial piercings later, leaves her ‘cause he never planned for it to go this far. They separate, get back together and soon she’s pregnant with their third lot of spawn.
These things are private for a reason. You don’t need to prove to the rest of the world how much you like someone, it can only makes one assume that actually your sex life leaves much to be desired or even required, as you seem to have to vent your sexual frustration in public this way. For the sake of common decency just stop it. Keep it at home, like you keep the beating.
None of these sinfully cynical views are my own, they just happen to be written by me.