Our skin is incredibly personal. It shows our history through its attributes. It shows self affliction as well as how easily damage is inflicted by others. It reveals our physical heritage and yet, is unique to us. It can describe how much the owner cares for themselves and their outward appearance. We read into the amount of it shown and the quality of it. As it goes through life it accumulates more markings, telling tales of where we have been and what we have experienced not only showing age but past emotions.
I’m glad you can sit on your pedestal in that fluorescent coat.
It really compliments the orange tinge to your skin.
Talking about your skin it would make a gorgeous hand bag, if you like tan, worn leather.
It’s sad that belittling people gives you joy. Destroying hope and stealing money.
You are no better than a thief, only with a worst dress taste.
If being a power hungry sadist is the way you take out what can only be assumed as a sexless life I really cannot blame you. I don’t know how I’d be able to live a life where you’d have to beg for sexual harassment in the work place. It’s almost not worth it, to go through life alone and miserable. I’d end it now.
It’s not so much a case of, remember your name cause you’ll be screaming it later, when it comes to you. It’s remember my name so you can avoid me for the rest of your life.
Favouritism is no excuse to pass bad drivers, just because they own a horse doesn’t mean you have anything in common. However unsuccessful they were, your glory days are over and you can’t relive them through young girls that can identify with horse riding. Mainly because you’re so old that you don’t understand the fact that we’ve moved on since horse drawn carriages.
You seem to believe that the warm glow of your tacky gold jewellery will out shine the endothermic heart you posses.
Don’t get me wrong, couples should be able to hold hands in the street and even a little kiss on the cheek is fine.
That’s not what we’re talking about though. I’m talking about couples that “snog”. Couples that just won’t leave each other alone. It’s constant. To the point where it becomes almost fascinating. No one chooses to watch the ‘Passover’ of saliva; with that morning’s toast exchanging at a rate more erratic than sterling on Wall Street. You try and turn your head but you can’t stop looking, you’ve become involved, engrossed with the voyeuristic notion. There’s a feeling of surprise that they haven’t stripped naked and started furiously fornicating in front of you.
It’s not just the grotesque physical presence that this behaviour entails that sickens me. It’s the way it can make people feel, it can turn one instantly into an overly zealous singleton, not admitting to their loneliness, “I’m glad I’m single, I can do whatever I want. I don’t need to report to anyone. SEX EVERYWHERE”. Or, it can make you reminisce back to times that aren’t worth your effort, “I miss Bob, maybe I should call him?” No. Never call Bob. The couple have fooled you into self-destruction. Then finally, the mindset is reached where yet to be bought cats are pre-emptively named.
It’s particularly awkward when the couple are your supposed ‘friends’. You’re trying to have a conversation, only to realise that the person you are conversing with has a cling-on dangling off their ear like a hyperactive puppy, with you mid sentence. Then you are presented with options, do I continue talking and hope they get the picture and desist? Or am I interrupting? Should I stop talking, as they are clearly more interested in public displays of foreplay?
All this would be somehow bearable if it were really attractive couples that did this. But it’s not the beautiful people that indulge in such things. It’s always big Sue and Paul. You’re never really quite sure if he’s ever brushed his teeth, let alone whether he bothered to this morning. Not that these people aren’t allowed to kiss, I just can’t help myself from wondering if she’s going to get a taste for him and actually consume him, why masturbate when you can masticate? It’s an experience of synaesthesia, not only can you see the couple slavering all over each other’s visage, you can hear and sometimes smell it too. Coffee breath alone would be a Godsend.
One starts to build their lives for them. Sue gets pregnant and moves into her council house whilst Paul takes to hard drugs and, 6 facial piercings later, leaves her ‘cause he never planned for it to go this far. They separate, get back together and soon she’s pregnant with their third lot of spawn.
These things are private for a reason. You don’t need to prove to the rest of the world how much you like someone, it can only makes one assume that actually your sex life leaves much to be desired or even required, as you seem to have to vent your sexual frustration in public this way. For the sake of common decency just stop it. Keep it at home, like you keep the beating.
None of these sinfully cynical views are my own, they just happen to be written by me.
Yesterday we were asked to present a sales pitch that was under 3 minutes long. The object was of our choosing and this is mine.
If you are easily offended I would not read on. The views presented are dark humour of which you can choose not to divulge in. I would like people to know that this is not how I feel at all, and that this is not an option I would put to anyone, ever.
“With today’s society, we all know what it’s like to feel the social pressure to loose weight.
Well today I bring you the answer: Bulimia.
With double the flavour and none of the fat, it is the optimum way to loose weight. As well as this, it has other disirable qualities too.
After time you will no longer have to go through the dreaded time of the month, bloatation will be a thing of the past.
With full control of your consumption, there is no need to worry about food poisoning. The need to defecate will evapourate!
Bulimia also offers positive affects on your social life. Beside the mounting compliments you’ll recieve, the lack of carbohydrates in your system mean that nights out and intoxication become cheap.
Who says eating has to be cheating?
Choose bulimia, choose control.”
Once again these are not my real opinions, and I don’t endorse unhealthy relationships with food.
I was telling someone about my course at university “So how do you study that for three years?”
Me: “I’m afraid we don’t do fish and chips in the restaurant” 10 minutes later Them: “He’ll have the chicken, with some chips please”
Old People: “Would you really deprive 4 pensioners of fish and chips” Me: “I’m so sorry, we just don’t do fish and chips in the restaurant” Old Woman getting just a bit too close: “But our boat broke down… Twice!” That didn’t change our policy, surprisingly. Neither did the mid afternoon nap I had.
Chef: What’s wrong with your nose?
“Well I’m not paying” Yes, some woman refused to pay. It was also my birthday.
As I handed someone their meal. “I used to be thinner than you”.
I work in a seafood restaurant, I’m also a vegetarian - no I don’t eat fish
- Halibut is like gold dust
- John Dory? Oh that’s a lovely fish, it’s known as the king of fish.
- [Insert name of fish] has a very amicable delicate flavour
- Gurnard? It’s quite a dense, meaty fish. If you’re a big fish eater you’ll love it. It looks like a cross between the welsh dragon and daffy duck.
- As [Insert name of fish I think maybe a bottom feeder] is a bottom feeder it has that wonderful, delicate, earthy taste about it. It’s very yummy.
- Oh personally my favourite fish is Skate Wing.
- Hake? It’s a delicate flavour, very thick white flakes to it. Lovely.
- What does Skate wing taste like? Oh well, there’s nothing quite like fresh Skate Wing. It’s delicious.
- Personally I like my steak rare.
- Kernow skink? I thought you might ask about that *smiles at customer*. It’s chefs, little play on words. It’s from the Cuillin Skink, which is a smoked fish and potato sauce. Contrary to the sound of the name, it is very delicious. I know one of our chefs says it’s the best sauce we do.
- I don’t like to promise anything but yes, the crackling on our pork belly is outstanding.
So basically, I say vague things about stuff I never eat. Repeatedly.
Sammi wasn’t smart but she was special. She would always wake me when asked and throughout our time together she brought me joy and sadness. One must always remember not to shoot the messenger and if there was one thing I regret it would be that. Too often did I take bad news out on her. She was one of the focus points to my organisation, a trusty carrier pigeon from one friend or colleague to another. Letting me contact those in need and be comforted when I was.
My life won’t be the same without Sammi. It will be a lot more desolate and involve a lot more petrol. As someone who lives far away from friendly interaction, she was always there when she could be, signal allowing. Her extensive energy meant I hardly ever went without. It is sad to think I used to get annoyed when she harassed me for some rest and I would not allow it. She is finally resting now. Her great list of connections which supplied me with old and new friends, has gone with her, I now feel these people shall be a lot more distant.
I’m just looking out the window at next-door’s garden. Children don’t play like they used to you know. Can’t even hold a machete properly. They’re young though, still have time. His friend was better with the grip, you have to have a strong grip. Where’s their father anyway? Can’t have kiddies playing on their own. They could use their dad, he could teach them to bowl properly. That’s the problem now days, people work so much that they have no time for these things. It’s a shame. Poor kids, they have no one.
That’s the problem, those poor kids; it was probably because they were playing on their own. That could be a law now, every thing’s changed since I was their age, seems like yesterday though. They were just playing when they came. It was probably that nosey couple, on the other side. They live in 23, I don’t know they’re name, they keep themselves to themselves, accept I saw him peering over the fence at the kiddies. There was no need. Next thing they’re being carted away. Well really.